For H

8 Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear

guard. 9 Then you will call, and the LORD will answer; you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I... 10 and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry and

satisfy the needs of the oppressed, then your light will rise in the darkness, and your night will become like the noonday.11 The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never

fail. Isaiah 58:8-11

“Go before”, “hold”, “strengthen”. Those were the words running through my mind as I searched my memory, and then my online search tools for words from His Word to comfort my baby girl. Following knee surgery last June for a torn meniscus, Hannah has been working to rejoin her basketball team and to run track in the spring. However, her pain has not subsided as expected. A MRI last week revealed the reason why - Hannah's knee is not healing, it is deteriorating, rapidly. Her doctors see no good course of action, thought action must be taken. We will see a specialist in Chicago on Monday.

Hannah loves to move, to run fast, to jump, work hard and sweat. It has always been a joy to watch her. She also is in love with her Savior. She knows where to take her joys and her frustrations. She shares those things with her family and friends, but she knows as humans we may fail her, and that her Savior never will. She is looking for the mercies He is already showing in this trying time, taking note. She is grieving over the losses but anticipating His works.

God has knit Hannah together so marvelously, and you, and me. Hannah’s knee contained a meniscus that is unusually circular and thick, and her femur, where it enters her knee joint, is flattened rather than the usual rounded shape, variations that worked beautifully together until she was injured. These variations are also what is challenging to her doctors... she needs a meniscal transplant, but she is not a good candidate because of her unusual anatomy. Those are the facts from our perspective. The marvelous truth, however, is that Hannah’s Lord God is privy to a COMPLETE perspective, to all of the wisdom, to all of the power, to all of the mercy, and to all of the love needed to deliver Hannah however He chooses. What a delight to live as a daughter of such a God, with out fear in spite of sadness, with hope in spite of pain. Thank you for joining us in lifting Hannah up to such a God, and to Him be all the glory.

A taste in photos until I can gather my thoughts

Please click the link to our facebook photo albums:
Trying to capture this trip in photos

More of Uganda for those who have asked

The Last of Uganda

Homesickness while still at home

He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the hearts of men... Ecclesiates 3:11

Pre trip week. I KNOW those words stir up many images in the minds of mothers everywhere.

For me, the challenge of pre trip week includes an inexplicable need to nest, in addition to actually packing. I've heard I am not the only one. This need to nest multiples rapidly if I am leaving children at home. Which I am. In 5 days.

Phil, Hannah and I will be leaving for Uganda on Saturday. Peter, David and Cameron will be in the U.S., together and split up, in Murfreesboro, at the beach, and in Dallas visiting grandparents. I have been so excited about Africa for weeks..... and I still am.... but to be honest, yesterday I got homesick. And I'm still here.

I can remember seasons when my focus was so much on home. Be it because I had little ones here everyday all day, or because we had not yet had our hearts pricked by the the inspiration to go on these trips to other cultures, I remember when my EXTRA energies, my project and over and above the routine efforts were ALL geared toward home. Sometimes I miss that, sometimes I wish my heart were not pulled in directions which are worlds apart. But the fact is, a knowledge and a longing have been born in the hearts of our family, and it cannot be undone. Along side that longing is another, for all the loves of our hearts to be made right, in one home, without separation by miles, poverty, hunger, and disease. We look forward and long for that day, and we have every reason to hope.

After the last tear falls

After the last secret's told
After the last bullet tears through flesh and bone
After the last child starvesAnd the last girl walks the boulevard
After the last year that's just too hard

There is love

After the last disgrace
After the last lie to save some face
After the last brutal jab from a

poison tongue
After the last dirty politician
After the last meal down at the mission
After the last lonely night in prison

There is love
Love, love, love
There is love

'Cause after the last plan fails

After the last siren wails
After the last young husband sails off to join the war
After the last "this marriage is over"
After the last young girl's

innocence is stolen
After the last years of silence that won't let a heart open

There is love
Love, love, love
There is love

And in the end, the end is

Oceans and oceans
Of love and love again
We'll see how the tears that have fallen
Were caught in the palms
Of the Giver of love and the Lover of all
And we'll look back on these tears as old tales

'Cause after the last tear falls
There is love

andrew-peterson.com

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life........ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Ephesians 4:22-24

The in the back of my mind urging to sit down and write... but what about... there is too much ... it has been to long.... has finally given way to pushing the "new post" button and seeing what tumbles out of my jumbled overflowing heart and mind. Our home life right now is a whirling existence, dotted by sweet sweet times together. We are pulled in many directions and involved on many fronts in pursuing growth, in pursuing travel, in pursuing a deeper more intimate relationship with God. I reflected.... looking for a central theme, hoping it would bubble to the surface. New. hmmmm

Hmmmmm. Hannah, 16, is thinking about schools. LikeUniversity school, like leave your mama and daddy and pack up your clothes and books and photos and our money and drive away and don't wake up in your bed every day in the light blue room with the brown silk curtains down the hall from the kitchen kind of school. I have always said every SINGLE time we get just a little bit comfortable with any stage of parenting God is more than happy to undo that comfortableness by propelling Hannah onto the next giant parenting stage. Keeps us

humble, dependent, seeking wisdom. Right where we need to be. Hannah is a brave girl, formulating her next adventure. Is it fair to say I am thrilled for her and devastated for myself?

She has been required to work through knee surgery which completely interrupted her summer - basketball, summer camp, and driving her jeep with the standard transmission.

But she is on a journey back to health, working hard at rehab, pursuing a full IB diploma, singing with our youth praise band, and being a precious daughter.

Peter, 15 as of Thursday, has made the giant leap from the comfortable lap of precious and nurturing and

challenging and wisdom instilling Providence Christian Academy, the classical school he has attended since he was a

little old wise 5 year old baby to Big Huge

awesomely diverse and wisdom using and wonderfully stretching Oakland High School, the 6A public high school down the street. It is SOOO interesting to listen to Peter, to watch him put into practice all of the that has been poured into him all of these 15 years, to watch him get comfortable and be himself, and love people who on the outside seem nothing like him, and to work, to work at his classes, to work at multiple

positions on the freshman football team,

to work at baseball (his true passion), to work at time management, to work at basketball, being a family member, being a Christ follower. He is a BIG boy, like bigger than his daddy big, and a BIG joy to behold.

David, oh David, 13 and fierce. Fiercely passionate about music and about hitting a baseball and about hitting on the football field. Fiercely gentle in spirit, fiercely descriptive in writing, and fiercely hungry all the time. Our baby David, our peace maker and muse, has MATURED into a young MAN David. David is a deep conversation on the spur of the moment any time of day or night. He is still a great mimic, be it Sid from Ice Age or the Joker from the Dark Knight ( I don't like that one).... he is good.

He makes us laugh. David is developing his skills on drums and the guitar, he is a dedicated student of both. He is a great brother and a great friend. His last year of middle school, WHEN did this happen??? Next year he joins Peter and Hannah... in High School.

Cameron, nearly 12, baby Mammie, he is a joy these days. Something very precocious in Cameron has softened into a delightful pre adolescent sensitivity. If you have known us a long time you will remember that Cameron completely rejected his place as the youngest in the family and insisted for years that he wanted to be the boss (first words I heard in the morning from his two and three year old lips from his crib ).... that he NEEDED to be the boss.... Bless his heart. The fact was he had a million bosses all around him and he did not like that. Time has told, as did many amused spectators from that time, that as long as he chose to align his passionate heart with good, we would be in great shape. He has grown to pour that heart out on the basketball court, baseball and football fields, in friendships with children in the Dominican Republic on our mission trips, in writing, in drawing, in singing! We are all dreading the day when Cameron shoots up and grows up, the last glimmer of child we have in the house.

I remember when our children were little, 1,2,4, and 5 for example we would laugh and say, "just imagine when they are ALL teenagers. I'm not sure what we thought that meant, but I doubt we imagined this...... these real senses of humor, real dreams, capacity for real work, these fledgeling responsible, persevering people. I also doubt we dreamed that such silliness between them would continue to run rampant the way that it does.

Even on days when I am a tad bit worn out from driving to and fro and to and fro and to and fro, from washing very very smelly enormous socks turned inside out of course, from staying up late with those who are up, and rising "somewhat" early for those who need to, and even tired of hearing opinions about my thoughts and plans when I used to only hear "yes, m'am, mama, that sounds fun!"... I am so thankful, truly, humbly grateful, for each of these babies 3/4th grown. I adore this season, that is so fleeting, and all that it means to be "mama".

Questions are Hard, and Hard Things are Worth It

" O LORD, you have searched me and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you know it completely, O LORD. You hem me in—behind and before; you have laid your hand upon me. Psalm 139:1-5

Why did HE ask?

So that man would also know where man was.

"Where are you?" Gen.3:8

Thanks to my Sunday morning class taught by Chip Dodd, that question keeps coming back to mind. First question asked in the Bible, by God, to man. "Where are you?" God knew where Adam was, both physically and in his heart. But Adam also needed to realize where he was, to confess it, to pour it out, to ask for help. Adam needed to name what he was feeling, what he had done. Address it. See it. Work through it. It was an invitation... the question was an invitation.

Work through it. WORK through it. Answering questions is work. Not answering questions seems easier. I'm busy, really busy today. I've just gotten Phil and Cameron packed and off on a trip to D.C. for the week. I'm tired, mild flu, but I need to get the laundry done, packing lists for Africa, supplies ready for service project at PCA, camera fixed, childcare in order for the boys when we are way for two weeks, dogs bathed, Hannah yellow fever vaccines - but she has the flu, laptop repaired - oh, yeah, and the boys shower and light switch.....

Where am I? HE is asking.

I've got to get back to someone regarding Health Fair for Medical Alliance, making fun plans for Cameron's birthday, ask for help with PCA Marathon Team, find a time to pack up the house to have all wood floors refinished after water damage... Where are you?

Do I have time to think about that, Lord, really, do I? I read my devotional. I've "done" today in my Bible study. Really, did you? Were you there? In it, listening? With ME? Well, it made me feel better, gave me a sense of peace, ... Did you answer my question? Your question? In the study? Well, I skipped a few questions, left them blank, answered in my mind, it is so hard to think, those are painful things to think about, to put on paper. But I did think a little about them, just not hard. It got hard.

Yes, I know better, I remember.

I remember the refreshment of answering those questions.... of solitude. Not refreshment like a nap, a facial, a good run or a great lunch with a dear friend. More like the refreshment of a huge accomplishment, half marathon, clean out the garage, the refreshment - the good tired - of hard work. How is solitude like the sweaty difficult job of cleaning out the garage???? Remove the daily thoughts, the schedule, the to dos and didn't dos.

Remove the little pleasures that get us by - lunches, naps, light reading. Remove the music, the Bible, even the meatiest food for your soul. Just YOU, your thoughts, HIS voice. It is work... and the work has just begun.

"Search me, O GOD, and know my heart;" all of me, my thoughts..." test me and know my anxious thoughts." What is it I am anxious about Lord, where does it stem from? What am I trying to battle by myself, what am I clinging to that is an obstacle between us? "See if there is any offensive way in me, lead me in the everlasting way." Psalm 139:23,24 You are inviting me to confess my failures, you are waiting, are always waiting with boundless grace, infinite mercy, wholeness.

In the solitude, the quiet, you reveal the issues in my heart that are robbing me of the communion with you that I need. But it is not a passive process. It is a battle. The enemy, the fears, the guilt, the to dos, the time restraints, the masks, the "good deeds", pain from past, all pushing and screaming for attention in my mind. The appetite for food for my thoughts... the music I listen to for inspiration, the authors I read for revelation, talking to Phil, a friend, even my Bible, can and do call for attention to fill the uncomfortable void that is so vulnerable, so revealing.

But I want it, I want it LORD, I want what is REAL from you. I'll fight for it LORD, here in the painful work of solitude.

And You come.

Solitude is the furnace of transformation. (Henri Nouwen)

photos from five days spent working with in my heart in solitude and silence at The Abbey of Gethsemani, founded 1848.

I couldn't help but notice... it was such a revealing snapshot of our life.  

Fresh tomatoes, guitar music, football mouthpiece and knee pads, a puddle of something, dish clothes, party invitation, letter from Wheaton, yellow tote waiting to be embroidered, shirt worn to school today, church bulletin, school lunch form, brownie batter in a bowl, coffee cup, McCarty salt and pepper bowls, high school freshman schedule, retainer in its case, Algebra homework, fortune cookies, 6th grade lit book, grocery bag, bunny food, Athleta catalog, cereal bowl, insurance form, banana, protein powder, mobile phone, water bottles, a new razor, Votivo red currant candle, and blue leather journal.  

All on my kitchen counter.

Hold on Loosely - Dominican Republic post 1

The words that I heard were, "no more bags tonight."  I thought, "that is not right...." and looked around at the 15 others traveling with me.  From what I could see, only 2 of us had any luggage, and those two only one bag each.

We were in a developing country.  We were tired, so very tired from our 17 hour travel day and we were still hours from our destination.  I was traveling with four children.  To the desk I bebopped for reassurance that the remaining 27 bags belonging to our mission team were on the way.  What I saw was a young girl who spoke very little, very polite English.  I don't speak Spanish, but what I gathered from the conversations taking place did not provide the reassurance I was looking for.  

Images of what our lost bags contained started flooding my mind.  Packets of materials to teach embroidery to women, mosquito nets, our bedding, shoes other than the flip flips I was wearing, crafts kits and toys for the school children, bug spray,  baby wipes, duct tape, underwear, flashlights, bed bug spray, toiletries (some very essential ones), all of our clothes, all of the massive amounts of equipment and supplies needed to complete a mission trip to the  mountain villages of the Dominican Republic without electricity, hot water, or walmart.  I can't describe the feeling of vulnerability that I felt as we left the airport near midnight with my husband, 4 kids, and nothing but my backpack.  

Yes I can.

I felt needy.  

There was nothing I could do about. 

I felt out of control.

What is God doing?

We made a few stops that night, first at the home of the missionary  who was hosting us where we were given sheets and a towel,  nightgowns for the women.  Second stop, a late night store to purchase the essential toiletries, one of several opportunities I would have over the next few days to redefine essential. The two other adult women on the trip and I slashed through the mental list of what is needed, a list that for me would have previously included moisturizer, hair plump, my shampoo, my favorite deodorant, mouth wash, three kinds of sunscreen, two kinds of bug spray (high% deet), eucalyptus lotion, body wash, on and on and on.  We chose 2 bottles of shampoo, 3 spray deodorants,  tooth brushes, and feminine products for the 16 team members to share.  And we were ecstatic to have them.  Hmmmmm. Clue #1.  

Flashback:  One week before

One week before our trip I was frustrated.  It was fourth of July weekend and our air conditioning unit had quit working on Wednesday.  We needed a new unit,  but it couldn't be installed til Monday.  I had been hot for 5 days and wasn't very happy.  My dining room was teeming with mission trip supplies, clothes, craft kit materials, all waiting to be packed.  Little did I know what was to come.  It is kind of a blur now but I will try to hit the high points.  Early in the week our dishwasher quit working, as did our washing machine.  Washer needed a part that might be here on 5-6 days.   Pretrip laundry with no washer, family of 6.  Now I was hot, washing dishes by hand, and washing clothes in sink, at my mother's, and at laundry mat.  Next, the hot water was only warm.  Then it was cold.  New hot water heater needed, can't be installed until after we leave for our trip.  Now we are hot, washing clothes and dishes by hand in cold water, cold showers.  Add two toilets not working properly.  This is sounding a lot like living in the Dominican Republic.  Clue #2 

As our house continued to "fall apart" upon the discovery of water under our hard wood, failed attempts at repairs, and on and on, I finally become amused.  What more could happen?  What did it matter?   We were almost packed, prepared and ready to spend a week in the mountains of the DR that we love, our family together.  It seemed like an escape from the chaos that home had become.  I even said, "I never thought I would say that I can't wait to leave for our mission trip to rest and relax."  

Flash forward again, one week: 

In a truck driving up into the mountains of the DR to our camp at 3AM.  Thinking about what we don't have. Trying to regroup and plan.... with out anything.  Having slept about two hours the night before we left, now dreading another near sleepless night.   

 

Texts start coming to my phone from friends who are praying.    

"I will praise the Lord who counsels me... even at night my heart instructs me."  

"Know how far God is willing to go to prove His love for us.  He will never leave us."  

"Keep looking for Me and trust Me, I am bringing something special."  

 

"Texts" start coming to my mind from God who is loving. 

Hold on loosely to your plans, they are not My plans.

This is how they feel.  Who?  The women.

Love them, as I love you.  Let Me love them through you. 

 

You don't need your stuff, but boy do you need Me.  

I am stripping away to fill you up.  I am stripping away so I can love you.  Let me love you.  

I scribbled these down on a piece of paper by the light of my phone, not wanting to miss the moment.  

As the next two days passed, as we rewore our clothes, shared any small thing we had, rejoiced over a clean pair of underwear supplied by our hosts, and discovered the joy of virtually no possessions to clutter our space, the revelations kept coming.  Of the 11 ministry bags we checked in Nashville, we received only one: the one needed for the first day of ministry, and it contained only the essentials, no props or costumes, no frills.  We made up for that with enthusiasm and love. We had no supplies to teach embroidery to women on the 2nd day, and then learned that leftover kits from last year were on site, the exact number needed for the women who were present.  Some of us slept without netting, yet mosquitos were not an issue.   The toiletries we had to share never ran out.  

Was every moment perfect?  Certainly not.  For our family mishaps continued in the form of a severely infected bite on Cameron's leg (even PHIL was concerned), David being hit in the head with a shovel, and Peter experiencing what was, in retrospect, a potentially devastating fall into a cement block pit in the pitch black dark.  

Was God sufficient?  Abundantly so.  Healing, protection, provision, joy, rest, peace, and then, on the third day of our trip...... our luggage.  In his mercy,  our "trial" only lasted as long as necessary to teach the lessons.  Prove the love.  Show that we can do thing we do not think we can do.  How can I still need Him to prove it, require hardship to learn the lessons?  Keep teaching Lord, keep teaching.  

At the very least might I remember to hold on loosely and lift my eyes from my plans and my things, my preparations and my comforts, lift my eyes to the One from whom all help comes.  

Psalm 33:18-22

Watch this: God's eye is on those who revere him, 

      the ones who are looking for his love. 

   He's ready to come to their rescue in bad times; 

      in lean times he keeps body and soul together. 

  We're depending on God; 

      he's everything we need. 

   What's more, our hearts brim with joy 

      since we've taken for our own his holy name. 

   Love us, God, with all you've got— 

      that's what we're depending on.

Sue

There are experiences that shape us, that we can point to and say -  without that - I wouldn't be me.  There are people who touch us, who speak into our lives by word or deed -  and their effect is lasting.  

She did.  

I was a little girl when I met her, maybe 7 or 8, picking up my sister from camp. Camp Desoto. It wasn't my turn yet, but she remembered me, by name, each time I came.  

I was 11 when I spent my first summer at Camp Desoto, four weeks on Lookout Mountain, Mentone,  AL.  I had been dying to go, but the anticipation and the reality are not the same thing even for a child as independent and adventurous as I was, and the "very bad feelings" I had during those first few days away from home without a friend took me completely by surprise.  I knew I couldn't be "homesick" because I didn't WANT to go home, I wanted to LOVE CAMP!  But there were certain times of day when that terrible sick feeling would come.  I did not tell a soul how I felt.  But she knew.  Sue knew.  

"Laurie Felder (pronounced Lawrah Feldah),  sit down here and tell me how you are" in that lovely, old Mississippi drawl.  Without having to say, "I know you are sad right now but you will be fine", she was saying, "you are loved, I see how you feel, I know you don't want me to point out your sadness because you want to love it here and you will... don't worry.. you will. Give it time.  Come sit with me anytime."

Sue Henry was a camper, counselor, and then owner/director of Camp Desoto.  By the time I came along, she was an older women but she never seemed to age.  The six summers I spent at Desoto,  Sue was a fixture.  She greeted us each July (2nd term is the best) with the beloved and much imitated words, "Here at Camp Desoto, we are unapologetically square", which sounded like this - "Heeah at Camp Desotah, we ah unahpalagetically squawah".  Beautiful words that meant retreat, respite, relief, permission to rest in the purity of simple possessions, slower pace, modesty, and love.  

Loving God, loving staff, and Sue.  The same every year.  During a time of uncertainty at home, camp was consistent, and I grew there, toward my Saviour.  

My love and respect for Sue grew by leaps and bounds when, during our last year as 16 year old campers, we were given the opportunity to "retreat" at Sue's cabin on the mountain.  She was a model of the loveliest spiritual disciplines and I remember her inspiring us to practice solitude.  She painted a picture of the challenge - remove music, friends voices, even your Bible, clear your thoughts of plans, and reflect, soak in what God lays on your heart. Then she sent us out onto the mountainside.    It was so much harder than I expected, even in that lovely setting on the brow of the mountain.  But she had planted a seed in my heart which has grown into a craving for quiet and listening.  

I came on staff at Desoto to teach horseback riding after my freshman year at Ole Miss, and unlike many other 1st year counselors, I was given a cabin of 12 and 13 year old girls, rather than the youngest (7-11 year old) campers.  I did not have the confidence in myself that Sue apparently did, but she could see things I chose not to.  She knew that difficult circumstances in my childhood had "grown me up" beyond my age and that though I was choosing not to display it, I had the maturity needed for older campers.  

During staff training she shared with us that we are fully about selflessly loving little girls and it is not possible to love little girls with out first being filled up with God's love;  we must carve out our own time with God.  What could have better prepared me for mothering?  I took many dilemmas to her for advice and prayer and never left her porch without a sense of peace and a plan.  She knew so very much about little girls.... and big girls.  Phil and I were dating at this time, and establishing our plans for the future, and she asked and then listened so carefully all about him, and remembered every detail for years after. I can't imagine the hundreds of girls who have been touched by her wisdom and love. And I, like many others, was convinced she had a direct line to God's ear.  The time I spent each morning in Staff meeting with Sue and other amazing young women I was on staff with will always be a most cherished memory.  

"Sarcasm is the humor of small minds, " she would say in her most genteel manner.  Sue was an English teacher before being at camp full time and she loved a beautifully written or spoken phrase.  She spoke gently and kindly with wisdom and love.  

Two years ago, in the fall, my family spent a long weekend at Camp Desoto at family camp.  I was taken by surprise by the intensity of my emotions and memories when we drove through the gates.  From the dining hall ramp, the gym balcony, the slam of cabin screen doors, and the riding rings where I saddled hundreds of sweet camp horses and gave leg ups to that many little girls, I was so deeply happy for my family to be experiencing my beloved Desoto. But best of all was the fact that from the dining hall porch, I heard "Lawrah Feldah (Newman),  sit down heeah and tell me how you ah.  And these ah yorh boys... and Hannah.  Hello theah Phil, and how are you? Now you ah in Muhfreesberah......"  Every detail, still.  My family now knew Sue.   

Tonight I join hundreds of little girls, big girls, college girls, mamas and grandmothers who loved and grew under the prayerful guidance of Sue Henry in saying goodbye, for now.   I am so grateful for the time I spent with Sue and the ways that she shaped my life.  

She bestowed on us

      "a crown of beauty 

       instead of ashes, 
       the oil of gladness 
       instead of mourning, 
       and a garment of praise 
       instead of a spirit of despair. 
       They will (she, and that we might) be called oaks of righteousness, 
       a planting of the LORD 
       for the display of his splendor."

                       Isaiah 61:3

I can't fathom the magnitude of a legacy like hers.     

(Camp Desoto continues to flourish under the direction of owner/directors Phil and Marsha Hurt and my friend and program director Jennifer Miller.)

*emphasis mine

Longing

My three boys are away.  Hannah is busy with basketball and independence.  Phil is working odd hours into evenings.  Our house is so quiet, urgent demands on my time so reduced, and I am unwinding.  The days before the boys left were overflowing with to do's and sleep was scarce.  But now that I'm rested, I am floundering. 

Bills to pay, pictures to hang,  bunnies' cage to clean, newly seeded lawn to water, files to organize, photos to send, phone calls to return, albums to work on, closets to clean out, beds to make, plants to pot, repairs to schedule, groceries to buy, embroidery to finish, mission projects to plan, meals to cook, exercise to get.  I don't feel like any of it.  I miss them.  

I think that I do not have enough time for all the things I want to do and need to do, and "if I didn't have to.... I could get everything done".  Not true.  Interesting.  

Longing.  

To hear my boys, to see what they are doing, talk about it, smell them.  

To drive Hannah where she needs to go, talk on the way... on the way home.  

To have Phil here at bedtime, read and talk.  

Longing. 

For family under my feet, in the house, noisy and happy and together.  

Will wonders never cease.

"The world will never starve for want of wonders, but only for want of wonder." G.K. Chesterton

Daily life.  Commonplace. Astounding.  Pause.  See.  Listen.  Beauty.

A new place to record the beauty of everyday life, words and images.

beautyinthecommonplace.blogspot.com

If to distant lands I scatter

If I sail to farthest seas....

Would you find, and firm, and gather.....

til I only dwell in Thee?

If I flee from greenest pastures.....

Would you leave to look for me?

Forfeit glory to come after...

Til I only dwell in Thee?

I need Africa

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tAB-zJPsJjs

A Snap Shot of Spring

Sixteen short years of our sweet baby girl's life - whole post to follow

Hannah First Formal 

First Year of Track, 4x400 relay qualified for Substate so far....

Post Championship game - how wonderful to have all three playing together

                                          Cameron on the field with MTSU

   

                                       

Cameron winning Country Music Kids Marathon for his age group

Peter

Hannah's first year to run hurdles

Oakland Basketball Team

Peter's last year of PCA soccer

Cameron first season with Middle Tennessee Rockets






David PCA Soccer

Peter and David - PCA Middle School Basketball Conference Champions

Boys and Girls team Conference Champions

Country Music Kids Marathon team raised $5700.00 for Divine Grace Primary School in Uganda

Family Valentines

PCA Coffeehouse and Art Show

April 10, 2009 - dying Easter eggs at the Bass' house at 11:45am

1 hour later - tornado clean up began

                                                                   

                                                              Hannah Voice Recital

Anna Maria Island and Spring Training

  Greatest Friends and Neighbors

PCA performance of the musical "The Secret Garden"

Happy Mother's Day:)

Returning

"In repentance (returning) and rest is your salvation, in quietness and trust is your strength...... Isaiah 30:15

I adore this verse.  It was first given to me at a most painful time, when I was craving relief from hard things, and my salvation at that time was, in fact quite literally, rest .... and.... quiet ... and trust.  I gave myself permission to withdraw from as many everyday demands as possible and to rest in the arms of my Savior. In quiet, He held me, comforted me, and that time of rest and quiet WAS my ONLY strength. Every day I would get away by myself to be still before Him; I would write His word into my notebook(s) and as a result into my thoughts.  It was a place of desperation where I could not function without Him.  It was a sweet time in a way in spite of the pain.  Because of the pain.  Over time, through His healing of my heart, my countenance was restored.  

Unfortunately.  

There is a second part of this verse:

but you would have none of it." (emphasis mine)

God was laying out before Israel, through Isaiah, the fact that he offered to them salvation through repentance and resting quietly in His provision for them, but they were obstinate in their pursuits of protection and relief in other sources. (them: oracles, Pharaoh, idols,  whining    -    me: counsel of man, spa treatments, naps, books, etc..)  

Presently, my life is lacking in quiet.  Each day is full to the brim with "to do" and left undone.  The things that are filling my days are wonderful things for the most part (minus laundry). But it is more than I can do well, so I stay up later and get up earlier but see little real progress.  Why?  I am craving the quiet and permission to live there. It is not only in the pain that I need him, but in the abundance.  I want to be His, all His, poured out and used up. But being poured out requires living maximally, not reserving supplies for later.  At this level of "living", which is the life that I desire, quiet and rest in Him are required in daily doses as my strength is depleted each day.  The quiet I crave is not only physical in terms of "lack of noise", though physical quiet often brings sweet revelation.  I have found that it is more about a quietness in my heart and mind that is the long lasting source of strength and foundation of peace which carries me long after I have left the physical quiet.

In repentance, in returning to Christ's presence with all of my confessions of failure, my anxieties and fears, my hopes and needs, I am reminded of who He is, all He is, and who I am, which is HIS.  A sister, and child, an heir, beloved, forgiven, protected, redeemed, adopted, secure, free, established in Him.  As I declare who He is I am changed.  I am quieted and I am strong.  

Not because I am, but because of I AM.

To overflowing

I've struggled to write lately because... I'm overwhelmed by my feelings.  I don't think I can get them down in words.  There are so many different things happening the the hearts of our family, maybe because our children our getting to an age where their faith is maturing rapidly, or maybe because they are walking through hard places where they have not been required to walk before.  The hard places have always been where those deep wells of Gods grace and provision have been carved out in my life and in Phil's.   I must admit that I looked toward these teenage years with some anxiety, but I was very very mistaken.  I underestimated the joy, the encouragement, the gratitude that I would feel upon hearing a son say, "Mom, if we had known each other as kids, I know we would have been best friends" or a daughter bringing her hopes, hurts, convictions and passions to us to talk through.  

 

God is working overtime in our household right now enlarging mine and Phil's hearts.  Our travels to Peru, Dominican Republic, Phil to Africa have opened the hearts and minds of our entire family to possibilities we would never have dreamed feasible before.  God is really not about feasible.  We have noticed.  We want more of those "I can't do this, He is going to have to show up, WOW here He is, look what He has done" experiences.  Once you taste them, there is really no going back.  

 

And I've noticed, it is much about love and fear.  "Perfect love casts out all fear".  I've read that many times.  I didn't really get it. I'm getting it now.  God's love for me casts out my fears, cancels them, makes them void and powerless.  God's love for my children comforts me in my fears for them, renders them silly, useless, and false.  God's love for Phil empowers him to love us, touch hurting people, find purpose in his work; it dissolves his fear of the future, making a mistake, harm touching his family.  God's love for all of us, his self sacrificing, relentless, overwhelming love for us abolishes all fear of what His plans for us might hold.  He has shown Himself to be loving and merciful, wise and astounding, to this point in our lives.  His faithful love for us will continue to be sufficient in the future.  It is all of these things, and more that I cannot express, which have filled my heart to overflowing. 

"God is love. When we take up permanent residence in a life of love, we live in God and God lives in us. This way, love has the run of the house, becomes at home and mature in us, so that we're free of worry.....  .....There is no room in love for fear. Well-formed love banishes fear. Since fear is crippling, a fearful life—fear of death, fear of judgment—is one not yet fully formed in love."      1 John 4: 17-18 the message 

"...with freedom and with confidence."

Current State of affairs:  Basketball season has officially begun.  Basketball season is a great time at our house because all four kids play so everyone understands and really gets into the game.  Everyone enjoys watching each other, though that is fairly rare.  The downside is that with 90 games in 95 days, Phil and I do not get to see everyone play every game.  That is STILL difficult for us.  This year we have actually mapped out a schedule to make sure each of us get to see each child play around the same number of games.  I think maybe we get to be at the SAME game three times:(  So if you only see one of us at the gym, or neither of us, please cheer for the Newman who is playing and know we are watching another child somewhere else.  

Hannah's primary sport is basketball and we all admire her hard work, including getting to school at 6:15 or 6:45 for practice three days per week and staying til 6 most days, all of which has made her a stronger better player.  She will be playing with Oakland's varsity this year at  guard, and is a definite shooting threat.  Oakland's team has worked incredibly hard conditioning for this season, and what they lack in size they have in speed.  We are amazed at the progress Hannah has made.

Because everyone plays, the kids work together to get better in the driveway, in the garage, and whenever possible at the PCA gym.  Peter and David sometimes get to help with Cameron's practices.  Peter will often say to Cameron, "let's go outside, I want to show you something you could do."  Peter has learned to "teach" in a manner that is easily accepted, that does not feel like criticism.  

 

Peter is playing on the first PCA High School Boy's team as an eighth grader and also on PCA's Middle School team with David.   There is something wonderful as a parent about seeing two or more of our children working together on an athletic field, like the fast break last week when Peter made a strong pass to David who completed the lay up.  It really is very special. Peter is working hard for both teams and it is requiring a great deal of time.  We have to be careful that everyone has enough time for school work and SLEEP.  David is a solid addition to the PCA Middle School team as a guard.  David has also developed a habit of getting up early before school to hit baseball's off the Tee in our garage, baseball being the first love of both David and Peter.    

 

Cameron is playing on a 5th and 6th grade team for PCA and also on a team of 5th and 6th graders on a competitive team that will play together fall and spring.  Basketball may emerge as Cameron's primary sport as well.  He is fun to watch, I think because of all the time he has spent playing with and trying to keep up with Hannah, Peter and David at home.  

  

We talk constantly at our house about playing for God's glory.  What does that mean?  Is it just a thank you to God at the end of a great game, giving Him the credit?  It is certainly that, but is it only that?   I have come to believe that a large part of playing for His glory lies in freedom.  The freedom to succeed or to fail, the freedom to play with abandon regardless of the outcome because your purpose in PLAYING is to honor Him with your gift, your health, your body, your life.  This mindset frees my children from fear of a mistake, fear of "letting the team down",  fear of  correction from a coach (or parent for that matter).  If our identity lies in the freedom we have in Christ, then our identity is not affected by our performance in athletics or any other endeavor.  That is the freedom Phil and I hope for our children, and for ourselves.  

 

Well there you have it.  This season consists of crock pot dinners eaten at odd hours, meals out after games, homework in the car and whenever possible, working hard to get enough sleep, constant stream of uniforms and practice gear to wash,  never enough underamour, the thrill of victory, the agony of defeat and the goal of playing with abandon in freedom as a Child of God.  I would only hope the very same freedom for us all.  

"In Him and through faith in Him we may approach God with freedom and with confidence." Ephesians 3:12

"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free."  Galations 5:1

A Few of my Favorite Things

It has occurred to me that there are certain simple things in my life that brings me a great deal of joy, disproportionate to their apparent worth or actual value.  Now I am not talking about joy as compared to the joy of relationships with my family and friends or my Lord and Savior.   More like everyday kind of pleasure in using something that is just right for the job or that adds beauty to everyday life.  Do you have those things, too?  For example, I love my handheld stick blender.  Really, really love it!  It is almost silly - but I love how small it is, taking up little space, I love the way it purees tomatoes right in the can before I add them to cheese dip or chili which makes my non tomato eating child very happy, I love the way it makes a protein shake for me mixing the powder, ice, peanut butter and 1 splenda perfectly smooth like a yummy milkshake in one easy non messy step.  This blender is my favorite gift to give, along with recipes for what it is good for.  

Anyway, my blender love has inspired me to take note of the every day things that bring me joy.  It has also moved me to consider how many "things" I have in my home that DO NOT bring any joy, but rather are robbing me of peace because of the excess.  What if our home only contained  things that we either love or need - that either bring beauty or function? Can you imagine the order... the peace?  All that could be passed along to those who need it?  Time for more questions, isn't it?  (Do I use it, need it, love it?)  

Anyway here is my list..my L list.. a work in progress: (note: this is a list of THINGS, favorites regarding people would be a different and much longer list)

Hand held Immersion Blender which inspired this post(function)

McCarty Popcorn bowls (not used for popcorn, but used for EVERYTHING else)(beauty and function)

McCarty  Tumblers (beauty and function)

Crock Pot Liners (function) Extreme joy when I remember to use one, now I store them IN the crock pot

Stainless Steel Crock Pot with attached lid and removable crock (function)(this one items brings more peace to my home than a week at a spa)

Pampered Chef paring and chef knives, heavy and sharp (function)

Woven straw floral mat, purchased w/ Cameron in the Bahamian straw market that perfectly fits our Lazy Susan. (beauty and function and good memories)

Said Lazy Susan, referred to as the "round thing", still (function)

The pearls Phil gave me for our 14th Anniversary, a significant year in our marriage (beauty)

The Pachelbel Cd that I play when I need a sense of peace as I restore an unorderly house to order in our small and amazing Bose system; that CD never fails to invite said peace. (beauty and function)

My cup of sharpened pencils

The bookshelves, floor to ceiling, in our study and all they contain (function... some beauty)

Mrs. Myers Clean Day Lavender and Lemon Verbena laundry products (function beautiful smells)

additions and photos to follow

I'd love to hear about your favorites ... 

at least the first one off the top of your head....

ready, set, comment!

A Week in our Life (Fall)

I know this post will be completing uninteresting to anyone reading this, and if I knew how to post something but not make it visible to all I would have (does anyone know how to do that?)

Anyway, I was sitting down today to plan meals and think about a routine for household tasks (bc things are NOT getting done), and I started by charting the regular activities of the family to see where tasks fit in best.  Of course Phil's work schedule changes week to week (shifts vary from 5:30am-1:30pm, 8:30am-4:30pm, 10:30am-7:30pm, 1:30pm-9:30pm, 4pm-12midnight, 7:30pm-2:30am, and the beloved night shift - 9pm-6am).  I'm recording the schedule for the week for posterity's sake, to remember what life was like with four children 11-15, before the launch of teenage drivers.  

This week so far:

Sunday

Sunday School/Church 9-12

Cameron baseball 2-4

Phil ER 4-midnight

Cameron Basketball 4:30-6:30

Hannah Peter David small group 5-7 

Dinner 7:30pm

Monday

Peter basketball 3-5

Hannah basketball 3-6

Laurie OPA Meeting 6pm

Cameron basketball 6:15-7:15

Dinner 7:30pm

Hannah Young Life 8-9

Tuesday 

Laurie Bible Study 9-11

Phil ER 8:30-4:30ish

Hannah no school, basketball 12-2

Peter and David basketball 3-4:15

Cameron basketball 3-5

Dinner 5:15pm

Cameron baseball 6-8

Wednesday 

Hannah basketball 6:15am-7:45am

Phil ER 8:30 to 4:30ish

Peter and David basketball 3-4:15

Peter basketball 4:15-5:15

Hannah basketball 3-5

Dogs groomed 4pm

Dinner 5:30pm

Hannah Peter David Youth 6-7:30

Laurie and Phil to dinner w friends 6:15

Thursday 

Hannah FCA 7:30am

Laurie Bible Study 8:30-10:30

Hannah basketball game 3:30-6pm

Peter basketball 3-5

David basketball 3-4:15

Phil nap before night shift

Dinner 5:30

Hannah rehearsal for musical 6-8

Cameron scrimmage 7:15-8:30

Phil ER 9pm-6am

Friday 

Phil Men's Prayer 7am

Phil sleep 8-3

Hannah basketball 3-6

Peter basketball 3-6:15

Dinner out

Smith Bonfire

OHS playoff game 7:30

Phil ER 9pm-6am

Saturday 

Phil sleep 7-3

Cameron basketball games

2pm and 3pm

Hannah party 3:30-10:30am

Dinner  6pm

Phil ER 9pm-6am

McMullan Baby News:)

My news from Jenny Kate this morning is so wonderful, four little McMullen babies are sharing a crib in the "step down" area of the NICU (less critical care)!   Paul and Jenny Kate have been told that Charlotte and Pallie will likely go home "soon", which could mean days or maybe weeks followed by Duncan and Lucy as they are ready.   

The babies must be able to maintain body temperature, take 8 feeding/ 24 hours with a bottle (a lot of work for a little preemie), and consistently gain weight in order to go home. 

Needless to say the prospect of the babies' homecomings is met with great joy and some apprehension.  Thank you for continuing to lift up this lovely young family that God would give them peace and endurance for the task he has set before them, and that He would continue to bless and protect these four tiny little McMullans.

"Paul and I are thrilled at the prospect of having our family together under one roof!  The Lord has been good to us!  We are also terrified by the logistics of being parents to six very young children and would appreciate prayers as the homecoming days approach."  With love,  Jenny Kate

photo top left: Jenny Kate holding Lucy and Pallie, Paul holding Duncan and Charlotte

photo bottom left:  Mollie and the babies

photo right: Pallie, Lucy, Duncan, Charlotte

Charles

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3

"For by him all things were created: things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him." Col 1:16

Phil spent 12 days in the primary school, medical clinic, and churches supported by our friends Rick and Vicki Rogers and Divine Care Ministries in Uganda, Africa meeting students, pastors and teachers. He met Prossy, the amazing little girl we sponsor at this school. It was amazing to witness what God is doing through these faithful people, and heart wrenching to see how great the need is for resources so that they can do more.

At a church service in a remote area Phil noticed a little boy in a purple shirt sitting alone, very content, massive holes in his shoes. When the service was over and people lingered to visit with the American visitors, Phil noticed that this little boy still sat happily watching all that was going on, but in no hurry to leave. Phil sat down beside him and in visiting with him learned that his name is Charles and that both of his parents are dead. He had walked to church alone. The gentle spirit of this little orphan captured Phil's heart. Phil asked Pastor Peter if he knew the boy and his situation and Peter immediately said, "this boy needs some shoes!" Pastor Peter has developed a heart that sees clearly into the needs of a situation! Peter talked to the church members and learned that Charles was living with a relative, but no other details. Charles sat listening and realized someone was looking into helping him. Pastor Peter said to Phil, "This boy is so happy he can hardly contain his grin!" As Phil left this area and ultimately Uganda, he carried with him a burden for this boy.

A month or so after Phil returned to the U.S. we got this message,
"About the little Charles his situation is very pathetic he and his brother are now working in the stone quarry to get something. This last sunday i invited him to come for the evening services and he told me he could not make it because he works from dawn to dusk. We are inviting him and his little brother to come for christmas. If not then we will send something to their family for christmas."
We (the Newmans) hurt for Charles and his baby brother, to imagine children having to do manual labor from morning to night just to "get something". It was so hard to watch from afar and trust that the Lord and Peter were doing all that needed to be done for these little ones. We were able to send support for the boys, and soon received this message from Peter, "Hope you had a great christmas!! We had a good one and we were honored to have your son Charles as one of our guests! " (Ugandans often refer to the children we sponsor as sons and daughters:) Comforting, but we were so anxious for more detail, more relief!

Well, that relief came in this precious message,
"Praise God Dr. Phil, Laurie and your family? How are you all? Back here we are good, everything is growing, children are growing and the ministry. Thank you so much for your love and support, we pray for God's blessings upon you. Thank you so much Laurie for building up a relationship with the school (meaning PCA) we pray that God will bless you mightily. I am planning to send you pictures about the school and the children at school. And if you need any other information you think would help, please, we are ready to send it. Dr. Phil, we took Charles and his brother to our school, thank you so much, their situation was so pathetic, they had nothing completely. I was at school last week and they were very excited. I teased them, I said I was taking them back, and they shouted a big No!!!!!. Thank you for standing in the gap! Keep us in your prayers please. love you all

Peter and Phoebe.

Praise God for Peter and Phoebe, who are devoted to carrying the burden for little children in Uganda. Divine Grace Primary holds 620+ little ones like Charles. Divine Grace has hundreds of children living at the school and hundreds more walking miles to get there. Some children walk up to 8 miles to school; they are actually dismissed hours early to get home before dark to avoid dangers on the road and from wild animals. Peter told us that many children must swim across a river to get to school; they remove their school uniform and carry it over their head across the river so that it does not get ruined. When the children come to Divine Grace they receive a pair of shoes, but will often walk to school without them in order to “keep them nice”.